Saturday, October 26, 2013

An old unpublished post.

The Fallen.

There have been many times where life has knocked me down and each time I would dust off my knees, get back up, determined not to let it happen again. This most recent fall was an accumulation of double punches from different corners coming at me all at once. This time, I had no desire to get back up. I wanted to lay there for a while, I didn't have the strength to get up again. I just needed a break. Surely a friend will be willing to offer a helping hand. I'm not sure how long I was fallen. Days went by, weeks, months. My strength didn't renew itself and no helping hands came, no one had cared that I had fallen. I questioned the Lord. "Have I not lived a moral and just life? Have I not loved my friends fully and unconditionally, the best way I know how?  Have I not been there when they had fallen? Have I not given enough, been charitable enough, kind enough, to be given a helping hand by somebody " The Lord didn't have an answer for me then.

So I remained there, fallen, praying and hoping my strength would return. You see, I wanted to get back up, but it wasn't me who brought me down, it was people, and I didn't want to battle people anymore. I had given so much of myself to other people, yet there I remained. Fallen, nobody willing to give me a helping hand. I had finally lost faith in all people. With all things considered, if no one cared that I had fallen. If no one cared that I needed help, then why should I? Why should I get back up if people will only beat me down again. Why should I get back up to have my charity returned with selfishness. Why should I get back up to experience a society that would murder innocent children. Why should I get back up to experience heartache, heartbreak, disappointment,  regret and failures. Why should I get back up to witness how we work to destroy and persecute each other for unknown reasons. Why should I get back up? The Lord didn't answer that either.

I contemplated it. Oh, how nice would it be. I contemplated it... to be finally free of worries, stress, pain, regrets. How nice it would be indeed. Yes, I contemplated it. No one had noticed, no one had cared I had fallen. Then no one would care if...

I closed my eyes and I contemplated it. Behind my closed lids I saw my mom in my apartment. She had aged overnight by 20 years. I saw her packing up my belongings and my dad and brothers taking them away box by box. I saw my sister with red-eyes, swollen, helping my mom, while my nephew kept asking her I was. I opened my eyes and I contemplated it no further. I had found the strength that had escaped me. I was tired but I stood up. My knees were bruised, but I dusted them off. My joints ached, my soul was weary but I put one foot in front of the other. Though I was no longer fallen, my head hung low.

From there I re-entered the world. I moved ritualistically throughout my day. I donned the nice clothes, carefully applied makeup and perfected my facade with a smile. Any cracks in my facade were easily hidden by the business of a hectic lifestyle. No one would know, not even myself, that behind the stoic persona, behind the quiet gaze of guarded eyes, I yearned for someone to reach out and notice me. No one did, so no one knew that day by day I withered inside. Days seemed to flow together, one turned to another, pairing perfectly with the gloom of the winter skies, and I performed my ritual flawlessly. Until this one day... when the Lord rose and lifted up his angel.

Let's Be Honest...

We as people, for the most part, value honesty. But maybe second to one's own mother, there's no one who lies to you more than yourself. One of my biggest challenges I'm finding is learning how to be honest with myself instead of making excuses, when what I think I am doesn't match my performance. So take a moment and let's stop making excuses. Let's be honest.... with ourselves

  • Did you REALLY deserve that promotion that was given to someone else?
  • Did you REALLY study hard enough on the test for that A you think you deserve?
  • Are you REALLY doing enough to meet your goals that are just out of reach?
  • Did you REALLY give it your all?
  • Are you REALLY as good of a friend as you think you are?
  • Are you REALLY thankful for all that you've been given?
  • Did you REALLY help as much as you could have?
You get my drift. I guess my point is... if there is even one to be made. If someone lobbies a complaint at you, or you feel it's necessary to complain yourself. Take a moment and be honest. What actions of yours could have contributed to the outcome that is bothering you at the moment? No one in completely innocent in any situation. 

Wednesday, August 07, 2013


I have come to see that hope is a silly thing to believe in., a silly thing to have. Hope in its definition leaves open the possibility for failure. In fact its very existence rests upon the existence of failure. You don't hope for the best, in reality you hope that the worst doesn't happen. In having hope we embrace and acknowledge the fear for the worst, a fear for failure.  The more we hope, the more we fear the worst is going to happen. The law of attraction tells us that what we obsess about the most we manifest in our life. So is it unreasonable to think that having hope is a way to manifest the worst possible outcome in our lives? Instead of having hope we should know that situations that the universe puts us in happen for a reason, even the bad ones. When bad things occur we must not HOPE for the best, but instead we must KNOW that in the end everything will be work out. In the end everything will be ok, and will be as the universe intended. As long as we know how to put the universe to work for us, manifesting positive outcomes, we cannot fear that the bad things we do experience won't lead us to marvelous things in the end. We cannot hope for the best, we must know and trust that the best is on it's way. In whatever it is that we are experiencing know that this is just part of the road that'll lead to great things to come. Do not hope for the best, know that the best is yet to come.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Hi! How are you today?

Just a few days ago I would have considered myself a very cordial person. Well... My work at an independent living facility has proved me otherwise. I am rude! Not only am I rude, but my whole generation is rude! Heck, I'm almost willing to expand that to society, I'm coming to realize and understand the effects that social media is having on us. We don't know how to INTERact with each other anymore, we have instead shifted to a society who REacts to others actions. Our human connections are dying.

This isn't an epiphany to me, but I thought for some reason that because I am able to see the change happening that I was somehow immune to it, I didn't realize how wrong I was. My first day on the job I walked to my office in what I consider my usual polite fashion. Immediately I found myself slowed down by a cluster of elderly men and women pushing their walkers down the hall. There was no way to move past them quickly without turning them all into bowling pins and becoming a bowling ball. I glanced at my watch and realized I had but only a few minutes to make it to the office before I was late. I felt frustration begin to raise but before it could truly take hold something inside of me told me to stop and notice how none of the molasses slow residents showed any signs of frustration or stress and were all very... Happy. Of course my "ego brain" quickly countered that part of that may be due to dementia.. But I decided to pause anyways and remind myself to live in the moment and I'll get to the office when I get to the office. So I slowed my pace and began to slowly make my way to the office.

As I made my way I began to notice that every resident I passed stared at me with an awkward expression and soon I heard voices being thrown my direction. I found myself in state of confusion and just tried to avoid eye contact. I remained that way until I realized that the stares and awkward expressions was actually the residents smiling at me and the voices.... were them saying "Hi, how are you?"... Then I found myself even MORE confused. Every single resident I passed was doing this!  Making my mouth form an equally cordial reciprocal response seemed foreign and odd and weirdly uncomfortable. I felt overwhelmed at first as if I wanted to hide or take some secret route so that I didn't have to greet another single  person. In fact when I made it to the office I tried not to leave it again for that very reason. It took me a few days to actually acclimate to INTERacting with people. Not only did I realize that this was a way of life for them, but that they expected it and needed it and thrived off of it... And they were happy. 

It made me ask myself, when did we forget how to say hello? Why have we forgotten how to wish a passing stranger a good day? Why has it become strange to engage in small talk with someone we just met?  Why have we adopted the norm of keeping our heads down and avoiding eye contact and move through society as separate satellite entities absorbed and only concerned with our own orbits. Whatever the answers, it's unfortunate we have moved in this direction. I think before we shifted from interacting with each other, our interactions allowed us to care for one another and our fellow strangers, producing a higher lever of social consciousness and compassion. Now, with the new shift of reacting to others actions we only see that delicate social consciousness and compassion only in times of great tragedies, which is sad. I'm not sure how to reverse these changes in society and I'm certain it's probably impossible. But next time just remind yourself to slow down and try to say hello to a passing stranger. Willingly Interact with someone you don't know!

Monday, April 15, 2013

The Fear of Success...

This is a topic that has been visited and discussed by women all over the world, I suppose it's my turn to add my own voice. I am sad to admit, that I am fearful of my own success.  What does this mean? Well, a couple of things.

At the end of this year I will have completed my first doctorate. Two years after that, God willing, I will have completed my second doctorate. That'll be 3 higher level degrees by the time I'm 30. By all design and logic I should be proud of myself, excited, and elated, and of course, I am. However, recently, an underlying thread of fear has been creeping into the mix.

See, one thing you must understand about me is that I am my father's daughter through and through. Even with my older sister and mother as powerful feminine role models, I naturally inherited the spirit and essence of my father. My father instilled within me, though not purpose, drive, tenacity, ambition, independence, stubbornness, and determination. Qualities, I'm sure, he wished he could have imparted upon my brothers.  Like my father, when I see something I want, I set a goal, and pursue it blindly, then ask myself what's next. Well, as I settle into the daily motions of accomplishing this most recent goal, the blinders are off and I've finally have time to look around and survey my surroundings and I'm scared. I can equate it to the cognitive development of babies, who originally have no sense of depth and would crawl right off a balcony if they could. But one day a light switch gets turned on and they realize the danger of continuing to crawl forward.

Is there such a thing as being too successful for women. The "I am Woman, Here Me Roar" part of me wants to scream no! But then my mother's voice comes creeping in, saying "Baby, your eggs are drying up, go get married." Suddenly the roaring stops. See, I may have embraced the idea and persona of the modern day successful woman. But I still have the traditional concept of the man being the "The MAN" in the relationship embedded within me. Meaning, most importantly to this monologue, being the bread winner, or at least on equal footing. You may now see how this could be potentially problematic for me. See, finding a man is not a problem for me. But let's be realistic, how many men, brothers in particular, who possess a minor, bachelors, master's, two doctorates,  are 6'3" and SINGLE, do I really think I'm going to meet?! But! To further complicate matters, I'm vehemently against the idea of being a "Suga-Mama". I think at the very least the plate a man is bringing to the table should be just as full as mine.... something has to got to give. *sigh* It's only a matter of time before Tyler Perry makes a movie about me... or even worse... Steve Harvey.

But really, to the main point I want to get to. It's quite obvious that at some point I need to be open to readjusting my views and making some compromises. Unless of course, the universe materializes the perfect man for me (Which I still consider a very real possibility... don't judge me). But I feel as if women all over are all faced with this choice. Do you pursue being a successful modern woman and put at risk the traditional roles of husband and wife? If I wanted to guarantee that I'd have the traditional relationship/marriage I've been dreaming on since I was 5, should I have looked past the desire to pursue a second doctorate. Should I have even just stopped at my master's? Or, should I accept the fact that with almost half of the black male population incarcerated and only ~10% of those not incarcerated with bachelors degree, that being a "Suga mama" is a real possibility.

Contemplating the option, panic mode begins to set in when I consider the possibility that some men, including successful men, (though I don't think you'll find one that would readily admit it) find it disconcerting to date someone more successful then them, to not be the bread winner, to not be the one the family depends on to stay afloat. I'm of the opinion that the inner cavemen that dwells in all men needs to be needed! In the pursuit of success, have women, am I, destroying the lifeline that satisfies that need? (A full anxiety attack is initiated when I consider the phenomenon of successful black who refuse to date black women... but that's a whole 'nother post). I find myself asking... why is it for men, The Pursuit of Happiness is the Pursuit of Success, while for some women we may find ourselves choosing between the two. I'm not only afraid that,  I won't be able to balance having a successful career, love and family, but also that I won't make the right choice to figure out how to have all 3 in the first place!

But that's just the iceberg of my fear. Beneath it all I'm afraid that I'll like my success, so much so that I won't want to compromise it for the pursuit of love and a family. That I'll find myself sitting on Oprah's couch discussing why so many successful black women remain unmarried. Although, meeting Oprah would be pret-ty cool.  But you get my jest.

I guess all in all, I'm afraid of not being able to identify the compromises, if any, that would have to be made to successfully balance a career and love. What I need to do and get on the Millionaire Matchmaker show,  and marry some old money... but until then, I'll just remind myself not to worry. God has a plan for us all, it's only scary cause we can't read the whole story... That doesn't stop me from wishing he'd throw in a spoiler alert here or there!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

27 great things about being 27 and great

So I just recently celebrated my 27th birthday. From my 24th - 26th birthday I did the usual go out and black out. This year I took a whole different approach it was the chillest yet best birthday I had it years. I had to stop and ask myself what has changed from 26 to 27. So I decided to come up with this list of 27 great things about being 27 and great!

1. You still feel - You may be 27 but you still feel 21... ok, maybe not 21 any more but 25. Defintely 25, either way, totally starting to get the whole "Age is a state of mind" saying.

2. Older Friends - At this age bumping elbows with older, more successful, people than those that are in their 20's is becoming the norm. Which in turn means bumping elbows with their older, more successful, single friends.

3. You still look like you're 17 - What can you say? It may be a case of "Black don't crack??" haha!But for real... getting carded at R-rated movies is getting old.

4. Lack of Recklessness - You never knew when the whole "Let's go out and get f*cked up" nature would leave you, but it finally has, now it's more of... Let's go out get tipsy then go home and go to bed. No more waking up the next morning wondering how you got wherever you are.

4. Reflection - Being able to look at the young and dumb and realize that was once you and that you survived it. Congratulations.

5. Freedom - Doing things because you want to. Want to go to Vegas this weekend? Sounds good. NYC? Let's do it!! 2 Week Road trip, I'll pack my bags now!

6. High School Reunion - Realizing that your high school reunion is just around the corner and knowing you've done insanely better then 94% of your classmates who were so much "cooler : then you. Wished you cared enough to attend... but you don't

7. You know what you want - No more kissing the frog hoping he's a prince in disguise, you can see the warts clear as day... or his shining princely sword. heh. But who says you want to date anyways, if need be you know how to set feelings aside and successfully pull off the "one and done" better than most.

8. People want to be you - No longer considered the crazy reckless college kid, but not too old to be considered boring. The younger kids dream about being at your level some day  and try to emulate you and the older kids wish they could relive "those days" and  live vicariously through you. Enjoy it while it lasts

9. Children - Whether they're children of your own, a friend's, or your niece or nephews, by this age the babyboom is in full swing. Can't get enough of kissing those fat baby cheeks over and over again. Just make sure you don't have lip herpes.

10. Weddings - Just like the baby boom, by now at the start of spring through fall you're attending a wedding regularly. We all know weddings are the perfect excuse for the weekend vacation and a little fun.

11. Friends that Move away - Friends that move away to cool places = An excuse to visit cool places, a free place to stay and free tour guide.

12. Old Clothes  - Realizing you can still fit jeans from high school. 'Nuff said.

13. Discovery - You are no longer a foreigner to yourself. You know exactly who you are. After all you spend 26 years defining that person. And Hell, if you find out you don't like what you created, you're not too old to change.

14. Young Professional - You're the baby in your local young professional organization. Even maybe too young to be in the young professional organization, either way, the older professional will take notice.

15. Season Tickets -  Tailgating at your alma-mater's football or basketball game is a thing of the past (unless you really want to do it) now-a-days you can afford season tickets and maybe even the sky box. A thing of luxury.

16. No Drug Addictions - Well considering some of the more famous celebrity overdoses (Marilyn Monroe, Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse) seems to occur when they're 27, reaching this age with no drug addictions probably means Death by OD is not in your future

17.  No need to Lie - Depending on who you found yourself talking to, younger or older, you probably at some point wished that you could lie about your age. But 27 is a nice medium.  No need to want to be younger or older.

18. Confidence - Do I really need to go into this? I think not.

19. Appreciation -  The road you traveled was not always an easy one, looking back at the family members that have helped you out and the friends that are still around brings a whole new sense of appreciation for those in your life into perspective.

20. Bachelor(ette) pad - Kick your feet up on your ikea coffee table and recline back on that ikea love seat. It may not be comfortable, and it may be awkward to sit on, but it sure is stylish and did I mention it looks fantastic with the city skyline as its backdrop. You live for the ooooh's and aaaah's of friends when they walk in.

21. Oldies But Goodies -  no longer refers to the song your parents jammed to back in there day, but refers the songs both you AND your parents jammed to when you both were young

22. Fads Don't Phase You - Out with the flashy, begone with the trashy, it's all about keeping calm and staying classy. Whether it's fashion trends or social trends you recognize them for what they are. Let the young ones chase em and stay classy

23. Doing things alone - Those days of asking a friend to join you is over. Now you go to the coffee shop alone, happy hour alone, shopping alone. You're quite comfortable being alone and In fact you may even prefer it! Now time to tackle going to the movies alone.... well, maybe not

24. Your Body Is Your Temple  - You actually start treating yourself right. Getting enough sleep, exercise, stopped smoking, practice a  good diet, and mindset. Your body took enough abuse when you were younger and now you treat it like gold.

25. Spirituality - Whatever that means to you, there's more of it and you're becoming closer to it as it lifts you up and guides you in life

26. No Judgments - for when you do decide to let loose and act a fool, no one is going to judge you. After all, you're mature, you keep it classy 99.9% of the time. You're allowed to get wild a few times out of the year.

27. You're Awesome - Point Blank. No other explanations needed

Wednesday, March 06, 2013


What is spirituality? This is one of the words I've seen thrown around whenever anyone has a chance. However, though we are apt to use it, it cannot be defined. Even wikipedia failed to define it. For a word without a definition so many of us seek it in our every day lives or try to find ways to enhance it. Either way, I think we can all agree that finding and having spirituality enriches and enhances our lives. But one day I started to wonder, is there such a thing as too much spirituality? If there is too much of one thing then there must be a lack of another. Which leads me to next question/thought, what is the opposite of spirituality?

If the spirit is a ethereal,  non-physical substance then its begs to reason that the opposite of it would simply be anything physical. Material. Thus the opposite to spiritualism is materialism. This concept makes me chuckle a little because we commonly use material things to enrich our spiritualism. As made evident on various social media sites by the people who "flaunt" their spiritualism by showing material objects they've gathered. I myself am guilty of an instagram post or two. But these material items do serve a valid role in helping us generate our sense of spirituality. But maybe that's it. They help us achieve a sense of spirituality and not necessarily spirituality itself.

That made me realize that spirituality is a state of mind that one must achieve. To do so using materialistic things only serves to negate the true spirituality we are trying to achieve. It took me a little over two years to recognize this. I continually surrounded myself with things that helped me feel at peace, helped me feel "one" with my inner self.  I'm beginning to understand that the little tricks we do to try to fast track the process are only that, tricks. The only thing we need is the one weapon God has gifted us all with. Something no man can destroy, can steal from you, can replicate, can counterfeit.  Our minds, which produce our beliefs which help manifest the thoughts that govern our actions.

Spirituality all boils down to our beliefs, thoughts and our actions. I observe many people who claim to be spiritual, to lead a spiritual life and it is clearly evident in their thoughts and beliefs. But their deeds are dominated and dictated by materialistic motives. I could very well consider myself such a person. It is becoming evident to me that spiritualism, enlightenment is only hindered by our materialistic needs. That excess, that surplus, that we all love to indulge in. That new outfit or bag or car may make you feel good about yourself, may put you in a better state of mind, which may in turn seemingly enhance your spirituality, but that effect will only last as long those material things are in our lives, or conversely, for as long as we care about those material things. Yet many of us who claim to be spiritual allows their actions to be motivated by the pursuit of these materialistic items.

I am starting to be of the belief that we stop pursuing the excess we want in our lives and let our actions be dictated by purely spiritual motives then that excess will be given to us by other means. In other words, it does not mean being without out, it means giving yourself over to true spiritualism and being rewarded for it. But then again one could argue that if you have truly reached an optimum spiritualist state or enlightenment then you'd have no need or want for these rewards.

I suppose this means I shouldn't want and/or get this Michael Kor's tote...

Hmm.... Well Buddha wasn't enlightened overnight! Baby hops little grasshooper, baby hops :)

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Yes, I'm Black. No, I Don't Have an Attitude.

I had this problem once, when I was waitressing at IHOP, during my master's, of finding myself "on guard" , I suppose, or irritated, when customers would come over to me, quietly take me aside and say .. "You are SUCH a good waitress". As if I have reached some pinnacle of a very respected career, as if I didn't have bigger better things brewing in my life. It always seemed to me that it was always older white people who'd actually take the time to give me, what I assume, what they thought was an compliment.  I'm not sure what it was, if it was some perceived racism on my part, "Good little negro girl, you're doing great serving masta!" or if it was my disdain for being belittled into just a "good waitress". And let me be honest, I wasn't that great of a waitress, I was just polite. Although most people would be happy with such a compliment, I, however, I found myself countless times telling them, politely of course, some  variation of a thank you and how I enjoyed my job and tactfully add in there the fact that I was in school had my bachelors and in the middle of my masters, blah blah blah... etc etc. It was fun watching first the confusion then their surprise when I told them. My sister thought I was being ridiculous, but really I just hated the fact that it was so easy for people to accept me as a "good waitress" but weirdly surprised when I turned to be more. I guess I felt that, as a black person, I had something to prove.

I suppose I told that story to make a point about how I feel, sometimes, I'm prejudged by the color of my skin. Am I? I dunno. Maybe I am, Maybe I'm not, Maybe it's all in my head.  Over the last 4 years working in the pharmacy, I've noticed an interesting occurrence, where people are more apt to be "on edge" with me, snippy, or argue, although I was as polite as can be... or accuse me of being rude or having an attitude, when I wasn't. I use to chalk it up to it be an ornery patient, however, in the course of serving some of these patients it was interesting to see how their attitudes switched up when another co-worker interacted with them. First I thought it was me, but when someone else witnessed the scenario and commented on it, I knew I wasn't crazy. Unless you have EVP and can read my thoughts, I'm a genuinely polite person, I have no reason or desire to be rude to people, or give people an attitude, but I'm accused of it far too often. It really is hilarious cause I have co-workers who clearly have an attitude yet they never get a complaint... but then again, they're white.

I'd like to pretend that in this day in age racism doesn't exist. That people don't automatically make assumptions about me before getting to know me. But considering a good percentage of people I now call friends thought I had "an attitude" before they even gotten the chance to say hello to me, or even know my name. I have to admit to myself that on some level, it does. So much so that I cannot have a regular day and god forbid, a bad one without being accused of having the stereotypical "black sass" or "attitude". You know one day in my life I'd like to walk into Macy's or Nordstrom's and not have to smile sweetly and make sure I say hello to the store clerk just so I can try on a pair of shoes, or get some service in Ann Taylor, or not being accused of having an attitude at work. I mean really... who smiles and is happy ALL THE TIME?! I think we can all agree that people who smile all the time are weird and creepy.

My IHOP days are far behind me, but I remember  thinking, yeah.... when I make it, I won't have to prove anything to anyone... Wrong. I love the color of my skin and everything else God gave me. I wouldn't want anything different. But it doesn't stop me from wishing that strong, successful, black females aren't always left having to go above and beyond in normal, everyday activities, just to not be considered "ghetto" "sassy" "bitchy"  or having an attitude. And it's not limited to just people of different races, black people are some of the worse offenders of this, but that's a whole different post.

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Single Because...

So I go on twitter today and I see that for maybe the 2nd or 3rd day in a row #SingleBecause is a trending topic and honestly it amuses me a little. Its funny to read all these tweets of people justifying why they're single. I love most the "I'm single because I want to be." or "I'm perfectly happy being single". As a member of #TeamImSingle all I have to say is let's be honest people, those are BOLD FACE LIES. We are human, God or nature (whichever you prefer) has made us into creatures that group together. We are not completely fulfilled alone. That's why we have friends and family and why our biggest holidays are holidays that bring them all together. But our friends and family only fulfills so much of our need for connections to others. I guess that's where that thing called love (romantic) comes into play. We all desire it and I'd might argue that we all need it. So no one WANTS to be single... instead, what I believe people really mean is that they haven't found a person who fulfills that need like it needs to be fulfilled. That person who's weirdness matches their own weirdness. That person that convinces them not being single with them is better than being single.

As a member of the "singles club", to be fair, I can't go in on this without addressing why I'M single. I've been asked this question countless times by countless people. Admittedly, at one point in time I asked myself this very same question and convinced myself that just maybe I'm just not attractive enough to attract guys, maybe I'm too skinny, too dark skinned, too natural, too tall, too smart.. lol... (We women tend to have our own mean girl in the back of our heads whispering such awful things)... but no, my numerous first dates within this past year dispels all the things My Mean Girl whispers to me (And the fact too many people ask if I'm a model to believe that to be true, lol). So I really had to ask myself... considering the number of first dates I've gone on.... WHY AM I still single??

Am I just content being single? Oh I'm perfect happy being single... as in I am a happy female that is single, there's always more room for more happiness.

Do I want to be single? Um. No. I would love to have that fulfilling connection with someone.

My problem isn't that I'm too comfortable being single or prefer to be single. I'm actually quite ready to not be single. I'm a movie buff and I tired of trying to figure out which friend I need to call and convince to go to the movies with me. I'm also sick of putting together the IKEA furniture in my house and lugging my groceries up the stairs. Although, it's is a money saver come Christmas and February... but my problem, I suppose, is the Men I've been meeting.

I recently went on a twitter tirade not too long ago, comparing men to books. See, I'm avid reader and I can read a 1000-pg book in 1-2 days if I had the time and wanted to. However, despite my love for books, I find that I cannot pick up a book and read it the second time. The characters are all the same, the plots are the same, the ending... the same. I will even put down a book if the story resembles other stories I've read previously. Boring! So yeah, it seems to be the same with Men. I'm BORED with my options... Well more accurately, my options are BORING. I'm bored with what I've seen and what has approached me. They have all been a variation of some story I already dated, or seen my friends date, and I'm just not interested. Of course I'm sure many would say, you can't judge a book by its cover, that I should put my pre-judgements on the shelf and try to get to know some of these Men. I do go against my better judgement a lot of the time and do exactly that and so far I haven't been proven wrong, thus my numerous first dates. I suppose I'm single because I'm waiting for the Pulitzer prize winning novel to land in my lap. Unfortunately I believe this city is full of awful authors. Maybe when if I move....

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

A New Year, A Year in Review

Every year, unlike others, instead of making resolutions, I like to open up my personal diary and take a look back at my year. I suppose you can say that I like to critique myself. What changes I've made that I loved, what old habits need to go, what habits I may need to implement. I don't make resolutions, not because I never keep them or believe in them, but mainly because I don't like ultimatums, even those that come from me. Resolutions, for me, are too much like ultimatums.

In my yearly review, I've noticed that the area of my personal relationships need work the most. It's become clear to me that I have either forgotten or don't trust the strength of my own two feet. I have depended on other people, in various ways and on various matters, in order to accomplish or participate in something.

We all have our metaphorical mountains we have set to climb and in reaching its summit we team up with other people, either for their good company or for the healthy ( or not so healthy) competition they provide. For me, it's usually for the good company. When the a friend's company suddenly isn't enjoyable or its become competitive, or down right parasitic, I've never had a problem striking out on my own. But always, soon after, I'd find another unlikely friend for that much needed good company. It's almost like that girl who cannot stay single for too long, just with, friends.

This past year I have lost friends, I have made numerous "don't trust them as far as you can throw" friends. I have realized the draining, smothering nature of some friends and strengthened the bonds of other friendships. But now is the time that I have a friendship with myself. That I be my own best friend. Trust my own two feet and climb closer to the summit in silence with my own thoughts for good company,

I have come to realize through these 26 years of being me, that I give my all in whatever it is I take on and friendships are no exception. I live to love and in the pursuit of that, if it is within my power, I provide exactly what friends expect of me, need of me and often time surpass it just to see them smile. I know it's crazy but its really are these acts that fulfill me. However, my plate is filling up and I found that friends aren't there for me as I am for them, yet they still expect more and more of me. I just don't have the energy in me to be happy for my friends endeavors... At least to the point they want me to, while I'm trying to pursue my own. I simply don't have it in me to be happy for someone else while I'm working on being happy for myself and the things I'm doing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's time for a little selfishness. Giving less of myself to others and more of myself to me. Drown out the white noise and listen to the inner voice, a time for a little solidarity. 2013 is the year of Me, a year to see, a year breathe, a year to be.